. in sickness and in health /

Wednesday, December 31, 2003

wow. I'm amazed to realize how much I've cried last night! yeah at a certain point of time, I think I was kinda hysterical over the phone. there were somethings that he told me, made me feel so unworthy of myself for everyone around me, and God. I do have a wider perspective of that matter now, after hearing from him. I was kinda frank abt how his words made me feel and reflect. truth hurts. alot. but I do understand that, reality doesnt hurt as much as post-escaping. now I'm really torn. I know that I've been living in denial until stef got me outtof it. that's why I was even more certain that breaking away was a wise choice to make. however, after he has analysed it for me, it does seem like I am running away. *haha what an irony!* I guess it's very difficult to differentiate between right and wrong. God's call or the Satan's luring. Who is the beacon?

it has been a very very rough year for me. the break-up in jan, jie's departure in feb and mama's death in march. it was more than I thought I could take, seriously. yet, all these that had happened couldnt take me away from them. it only made me recognise what grief and loneliness is. and with my own 3 tragedies happening, I couldnt turn to my classmates nor schoolmates regarding all that. in the first place, I didnt think that they'd understand much. and secondly, there was nth they could do to change the fact. consolances weren't the best gifts, unfortunately. I needed alot of support then. I still do, of cos. I know of how people would tell me that everything is okay, when it is not. despite all that stuff, it dawns to me how impt grades are. I guess it was my problems that gave me the strength to block out all distractions and the will to perservere.

I will nvr be the same again. but stronger. I know I am.

come what may in 2004. cheerios to all whom I love.

Lady fAyth`
12/31/2003 10:39:00 AM

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Dear Dairy,

ahh! it's been the best time meeting jie since she returned. I kept laughing at her when she gets her tongue tied-up! hee. naughty naughty me! we're walking arnd parco the whole time, going store to store. oh yes! we found this book of names for babies, in kinokuniya. so we're looking through, finding our names and such? (: cute. "sandra" is greek, "joseph" is hebrew, and "genevieve" is french. duh?! wahaha we're like laughing at some of the definitions of the names in the book. it's written in (almost every book, I've checked so far) my name means "white wave". it doesnt make any sense to me at all. haha! but I'm so proud of it. it sounds Zen-nish! wahaha... nonsense!

but of cos, I found smth out, that wasnt really pleasant. I shan't blog abt it because it's only gonna make myself feel worse. I only hafta remind myself constantly that I have to let go. time will tell.

onto a lighter note. I watched LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING for the second time! I was still blown away. it's the best movie I've seen so far! the movie still left me in great awe when it ended. just like how it felt when I watched it for the very first time. I rmbr how aragon asked the undeads, "WHAT SAY YOU!" omagawwsh. that's the most patriotic-line I've heard. AWWWWWWWE. ya know, I wouldnt mind watching it for the third time. but it'll only be too time consuming. hee! I'm such a fanatic of the triology.

oh wells. it's been a long long day and I better get some rest soon. gotta thank God for such wonderful company I had today: jie, joseph and carmen. lovely! wahaha and not to leave out great directors and artistes who made LOTR triology a dream-come-true! wahaha I'm so boh liao.

Lady fAyth`
12/30/2003 11:43:00 PM

Monday, December 29, 2003

miss perfectionist.

smth's been tickling my nose since morng! roarrs. I wonder what's dusty in the house. I was sneezing and sniffling all through tuition! *ahem* felt so embarrassed 'cos I was afraid I might freak the tutor...

-yawns-

I'm really sleepy. just couldnt drift to slp till 5.30am! sigh... anw, I had quite a short chat with stef till abt 4 this morng. it really helped me make a firm decision to leave. I've been contemplating on the same thought for a very long time but I thought I shouldnt make up my mind so impulsively. however, it seems to be the most logical way out now. (:

yeah. so we're on this topic: our purpose to live. matong was being lame (as usual), told me that I could be living to smell the flowers and pluck the leaves! wahaha madd. then she went on abt gardeners and without them, our botanical garden wouldnt survive and such! blah. silly silly stuff she talks abt. d:

ily stef aka matong. when are we gonna have coffee?! -whines-

anw, I was suppose to return to school at 12.30pm but my lazy bones are working on me. hee *flushes*. sneezing since I got up made me feel even more lethargic than I already was! blah. I think I'm gonna read and fall aslp after this. (: sounds like a splendid suggestion to myself. haha!

Lady fAyth`
12/29/2003 02:47:00 PM